somebody that I used (?) to know

sometimes, like right know i get this sence of absence, just like everything I do, did or even will do is useless, i doesn't make any difference, and even worst it doesn't fill me at all.
I so sick to feel that I really have this karma, that I never will be able to find somebody to rely on, this eternal cycle of collapse, just like a rollercooster, I got inside, its feels awsome, just like I'm touching the sky, i can feel it, this is what and where i want to be, this is right now, i can say for sure that i'm happy. i'm full, i don't need anything else and i just really REALLY want to make this last as much as i can, but wait it was just i few seconds, the time didn't stop, and now i'm falling down as faster as it can be, quickly enough to feel pain, but not enough to fading for it. so this is the rute of curse, when all that doesn't have to do with this, explode and actually doesn't have any sense, cause the only thing that i need to work, is broke, actually it was never something, just i fucking ilusion... it was just a taste, so i can feel as empy as i feel now. but wait cause if you think that this part it was over, no way dude... as always the happy moments seem so short, but the bad path seems last forever... so here i am in this endless way, when i can almost feel how i really feel pain till my bones, when i feel the emptyness, lonelyness, sadness, we can say that everything what i think or feel ends with less, ness... you get it.
and everytime hurts so much more, cause i can learn from it?, yeah hell i hope i do, but that makes it less worse, that i can jump the hole, that i can escape from this spiderweb that i've stuck for all these years?, what the heck do i need to do, to break this inerce, why i have to feel so miserable, so then i can have hours of joy, and then pay from it with the highest taxes???!!!
this is like a cancer, but its even worst, cause is mental, is fake, but it feels even worst than the real one, cause noone believes me, noone cares, and its just me, myself and my pain...
i just want to rely on somebody, thats all.
is that so fucking much to ask?